Unexpected Grief

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“Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.”

-Matthew 5:4

I was somewhat hesitant to write this, but the Holy Spirit kept tugging on my heart. So here I am. Today while at work, the most unexpected thing happened to me. I was halfway through my 12 hour shift. I had finished administering some of my medications and my patients were resting. I decided to grab a quick bite to eat. After I ate and headed back to the floor, my thoughts out of no where were directed to my dear friend Katie. At first, I wasn’t bothered by the thoughts of her. I actually welcomed them. I felt a grin form across my face as I thought of her. Her laugh I could still hear in my head. Memory after memory started to flood my mind. Before I knew it, tears began to roll down my cheeks. I quickly rushed to the bathroom and locked the door.

Then it happened.

Out of no where.

I wept.

For what seemed like forever but in actuality was probably like 20min or so.

It was just me and the Lord weeping in a hospital bathroom.

So many thoughts were flooding my mind.
“Ashley! Get a hold of yourself. You don’t have time to be crying. You need to be taking care of your patients.”
“But you miss Katie. It’s ok to cry. Let it out.”
“Ashley, you know you can’t hide when you cry. Your face gets all puffy and your nose turns super red. Stop before you can’t hide it.”
“Oh my sweet Katie, you were taken so very soon. Sooner than anyone expected. I miss your presence! I miss your energy. Your quirky laugh.”
“Ashley SERIOUSLY GET IT TOGETHER! Look at yourself you are crying in a bathroom for goodness sake!”
“I know her death happened months ago God, but it still seems like yesterday. She’s gone…really gone.”

Finally…

I silenced my thoughts and just let myself grieve.

I let myself feel the pain,

the hurt,

the shock all over again.

It just so happened that during that time, my work phone did not ring. Not one time did it ring. I was not disturbed for the full 20min. When I was done, and I knew I had let it all out. I washed my face and prayed. Immediately, I felt refreshed, renewed, and peaceful. I thanked the Lord for that moment. I needed it. I left the bathroom and continued the rest of my shift. None of my co-workers knew what had just transpired.

I write all of this to speak to those brokenhearted individuals who are dealing with the grief of losing a loved one. Life has taught me that you can’t put a time-clock on grief. It’s one of those things that is a continual journey as long as you remain on this side of life. This day it just so happened to be Katie I was grieving over. Other days it’s my Grandmother, or my cousins or other loved ones I have lost years ago.

If you are grieving,

I want you to know that…

IT IS OK!

Don’t suppress it.

Don’t hide it.

Experience it.

Let yourself cry, wale, or sit in silence for a while. It doesn’t matter if you loss your dear loved one 1 day ago, 1 month ago, 1 year ago, or 10 years ago. Still grieve. When you have “unexpected grief moments” know that it doesn’t make you weak, strange, or overly sensitive. It simply makes you a human being who has suffered great loss.

God knows your hurt and your pain. He is right there to wrap his loving arms of comfort around His hurting and grieving children. So go ahead and lay in your Heavenly Father’s lap and just cry and cry.

He gets it.

He knows.

He will restore.

He will comfort you.

Don’t run away from your “unexpected grief moments.” Embrace them. Whether you’re having one of the best days of your life and laughing your guts out then it hits you. Embrace it. If you’re walking down the street and a certain scent reminds you of that person and then it hits you. Embrace it. If you are randomly reminded of a memory of them and it hits you. Embrace it.

Grieve.
Unexpectedly.
Then let the Lord restore you.
Continually.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

-Psalm 34:18

With love,
Ashley Moneet