Hello, my name is Ashley Moneet Williams and I have trust issues. *Takes deep breath* As I write these words, I can feel my heart start to race and the tears start to well within me. They say the first step to getting help, is first admitting the need for help. Believe it or not it took me a while to get to the place where I could say that statement. You see, me and God have been in a battle for several years in regards to this very issue. He was trying to tell me I had this “trust issue” but I didn’t believe Him. Or should I say, I didn’t WANT to believe him. Something that I have learned in life is this. When we’re not ready to accept a very painful reality, our mind has a way of playing tricks on us. It does this by using two very toxic coping styles: DENIAL and SUPPRESSION. At the root of denial and suppression is a lie. As we know, a lie is the opposite of truth. And where truth does not exist, there can be no freedom, only bondage.
After years and years of imprisonment, I got tired of the bondage. I didn’t want to carry the weight of the shackles anymore. It weighed me down every step I tried to take in my life. The clanging sounds of the shackles echoed through every relationship in my life. The prison of loneliness engulfed me like darkened clouds of a storm. I would so many times think to myself, “Who wants to live life like this? Not me! I never wanted to live like this. But yet and still, here I am…living with full blown trust issues!” I knew it was time for a change and I knew that change had to start with the very being that I knew could bring about the change I so desperately needed… GOD.
So, I had a LOOOONGG conversation with God. My part of the conversation went something like this, “Lord how did I get here? As I little girl and teenager I was never like this. I used to always be so open and ready to love and willing to forgive. I was always willing to put absolute trust in You even when I couldn’t see how things would work out. I was always open to people and ready to connect. What happened to me? But Lord, I didn’t ask to be in this space? I didn’t ask to struggle with “trust issues.” It’s not fair! I never asked for any of this! I didn’t ask for dear friends to betray me. I didn’t ask for family members to hurt me. I didn’t ask for my heart and trust to be broken in my past relationships. I didn’t ask for people to come into my life and use me for their own agenda and hidden impure motives. I didn’t ask for guys to see me as an object or trophy they could use for their own selfish desires. I didn’t ask for this. I’m tired Lord. So tired of hurting. I can’t be hurt again! I refuse to be hurt again…Lord I need you. I can’t overcome this without you. Show me what to do. Help me to trust again. Help me to trust ultimately in You.”
After many long pleas, cries, and prayers…I entered into a moment of silence. But there was something so beautiful about the silence. It’s like the silence was my blanket of comfort. It wrapped me and held me close. So, there we were…me, the silence, and God. We sat together, not judging one another… just bathing in one another’s presence being ready and open listen. Then it was time. The Ancient of Days took His seat and SPOKE. He spoke through His word… so loudly and so clearly. The silence served as His microphone, amplifying every word written on the pages of bible and allowing every word to echo through the hollow walls of my heart; penetrating the depths of my soul. His part of the conversation went something like this,
“I am Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end. Trust in the Me with all your heart, lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge ME and I shall direct your path. (Prov 3:5-6) “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the (I) the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9) “Those who know my name trust in Me, for I, the Lord, have never forsaken those who seek Me.” (Psalm 9:10) “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. You love because I first loved you.” (1 John 4:18-19) “While you were a sinner Christ died for you.” (Rom 5:8” “(I) so loved the world that (I) gave my only begotten son, that who so ever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16-17) “But Christ was wounded for your transgressions, he was bruised for your iniquities; the chastisement of your peace was upon him. And by his stripes you are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)
Tears, wails, more tears…and more wailing… that’s all I could do. In that moment I understood. I saw myself, but most importantly I saw God. You see I didn’t truly have “trust issues” (plural) but I had a “trust issue” (singular). The only issue I really had is I didn’t fully trust God. My lack of trust in Him bled over in every other relationship in my life. I didn’t fully trust that he could protect my heart, that He could guide me through the unknowns of life, that he could help me in my relationships. Because the truth is, how we operate in our relationship with God, will be reciprocated in our relationships with others. We will only love others at the level we love and trust God. You see, the biggest enemy of trust is not betrayal, it’s fear. The biggest ally of trust is love, because perfect love cast out fear. So how do I and others with this trust issue, grow to trust again?
Stay tuned for the next blog.